Ladies and gentlemen, join us, the Kireka fraternity, in applauding our most-recent role model and heroine, Bad Black. Just in case you have touched base and do not know what we are talking about, Bad Black has nothing to do with evil or some black magic as the name might suggest; we are talking about a 22-year-old who has done things and led a life that some Octogenarians only dream about.
This young lady is one of the best things to have happened to this dusty city in a long time. As many politicians were plotting to raid our coffers and make off with what taxpayers have been literally forced to contribute to national development, this genius of a lady was thinking outside the box.
Look, as some Smart Alecs or so they think, were exchanging ‘brown’ envelopes in the dead of the night and staking our oil as collateral even before we had seen the first drop, this girl, barely out of her napkins, indicated that she will have nothing to do with causing misery to her fellow countrymen.
So, rather than divert billions of Gavi, Chogm or Global Funds, Bad Black decided she would make our colonial masters, Britain, or at least one of their descendants pay for their sins. Going by court records that is what she is accused of doing. She found this ‘slow’ guy from Sussex (no pun intended) who upon seeing how endowed this girl from the Pearl was, quickly thought it wise to wire his $4 million to her account in the name of doing business.
From what we have seen and read, this business turned out to be drink binges in Kampala nightclubs, paying Ugandan men (and occasionally Nigerian intruders) to offer her nights of passion, buying monstrous cars and donating them to musicians who have failed to fuel their own Bafuddes among other acts of philanthropy.
If this is not the work of genius then tell me what it is. Bunyoro Kingdom has for ages tried to get compensation from Britain for crimes allegedly committed against them in the colonial era but they have been taken in circles and up to now have not smelt a single coin. Just imagine how much progress they would have made had they hired 10 Bad Blacks to help them seek this much-deserved pay. They would be smiling to the bank with trillions in their wallets.
Also let’s look at it this way. These are economically trying times and we have been told severally that part of this hardship is because the country is short on dollars. Now, if one barely schooled individual through whatever means can convince a wealthy mzungu to send over his dollars in the millions to Uganda, should we not be thinking of cloning her and seeing how best we can use her to solve our economic woes?
These venerable economists at the Treasury and BoU instead of arguing about the fate of oil money and whether it actually exists, should be scouting for more Bad Blacks and getting them Visas to the UK and such places to meet more bazungu and save our economy.
Bad Black is a rare gem that the country should protect religiously. Unlike our politicians who steal and eat with only kith and kin, Bad Black is generous. She walks into a bar and asks everyone to get high. She might not know the difference between a warrant and bail but she surely knows how to lighten up the city (at least her wig does). We propose that Gen. Elly Tumwine considers her a candidate for the Nalubaale Medal come next year’s Heroes Day!
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