Unlike previous Christmas Days, this year, the bar was full. With the soaring prices of basic commodities and everyone crying “poverty”, not many people could afford the annual pilgrimage to the village. Under Alfredo’s guidance, we turned to discussing what Jesus’ fate would be like today.
Alfredo: Colleagues 2011 years ago, a Saviour was born. We need to toast to this birth (raises his Nile Gold). But what would it be like for Jesus if he was born today?
Masaba: First of all his birth would be problematic. I don’t see his parents affording Shs300,000 to bribe a doctor to attend to Mary in labour. He would be lucky to even be born.
Rusaniya (our waitress): Maybe he would be born but most likely still in a manger or a cassava garden. Two millennia later and we still have mothers delivering in gardens and backyards. Looks like we have never made any progress.
Musoga: In fact we have made progress. In Jesus’ time, I am not sure they had tarmacked roads. He kept walking through bushes and dusty feeder roads.
Araali: These roads would put him to test. Forget the miracles of changing water into wine. One miracle that would distinguish Jesus today is declaring Kampala a pot-hole free city. If he did that, there would be no doubt he is the Son of God.
Alfredo: The second most important miracle he would perform is ensuring full-time electricity supply. Just standing there and saying: “In my Father’s name, I order that Uganda has electricity all the time.” That would be some miracle!
Iculi: There is no way he would perform these miracles at a free cost. Even if he wanted to, his handlers, the disciples, would still ensure they squeezed something from us the Christians. Judas Iscariot would ask us to sow in his master’s name.
Musoga: But he would be justified to ask for something. Times are tough. A kilogramme of sugar goes for Shs7,000; meat is at Shs10,000. Man eateth where he worketh.
Rusaniya: I see a young Jesus attending a UPE school. Where would he get the knowledge to speak in parables seeing that our UPE products struggle to even write their own names? His mission on earth would be severely affected.
Alfredo: Indeed that would call for divine intervention for him to speak in parables. But if he did, I see him making a great presidential spokesman. His parables are the type that would put Tamale Mirundi to shame.
Masaba: And with the President in love with parables and proverbs, they would have a smooth working relationship. But that is if he opts for that path. Jesus had a knack for unsettling authority. So, I don’t see him falling in bed with the powers that be. He would most likely be in the opposition.
Araali: Is Jesus not the one who loved walking? I see him getting involved in walk-to-work protests. He would be fodder for Kayihura’s boys. They would whip him to pulp.
Musoga: After the whippings and being the type who loved to call himself king, he would be arraigned at the High Court on treason charges. With recordings from secret meetings with his disciples, the police would make a meal of him in court.
Rusaniya: How will the police access minutes of these meetings?
Iculi: There are many Judas Iscariots today. Ask Kabakumba Masiko. She must be wondering who leaked details of her interactions with the police to the media. But knowing Jesus, he would tell the judge: “Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.”
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