Alfredo: Colleagues, I need to draw your attention to this matter that is making many of us lose sleep. What should we do about this economy? Inflation has hit 30 per cent plus (sips a Nile Gold).
Araali: Hey, stop worrying. Just 30 per cent? At least we are not carrying money in wheelbarrows to go buy a loaf of bread like it happened somewhere down south recently.
Masaba: And Araali, what makes you think we won’t get there? Have you not heard that we shall soon have a Shs100,000 note? Imagine flashing a Shs100,000 note after buying a box of matches!
Alfredo: But maybe that will be the only item that money will afford you. So, don’t expect change.
Rusaniya (our waitress): In fact they should print that note quick. I can see some of you offering me that as a tip.
Musoga: Shyaa, what shall we be thanking you for? Serving us this warm beer?
Rusaniya: Don’t blame me. Don’t you know who is behind the perennial black-outs nowadays? They said 24-hour load-shedding but what is happening looks like eternal load-shedding.
Masaba: The other day, when power accidentally came back, my two-year-old son ducked under the table. He has been so accustomed to darkness that light scares him!
Alfredo: People, talk was on economy. But I am told as we mourn about this poverty, there other people out there sleeping on Cashofoam.
Rusaniya (giggling): What is Cashofoam?
Alfredo: It is a new brand of mattress that hit the market during the February elections. Basically, it is a mattress made of money.
(Everyone gasps in disbelief)
Masaba: What? Where do they sell these Cashofoam mattresses?
Alfredo: Sorry, they are not on the open market. But I am told instead of inches, they come in currency brands. So, some are 20k-filled Cashofoams, others 50k-filled while in some places they are made of dollars.
Musoga: So, someone sleeps on a mattress made of dollars? Could these be the people URA was targeting when they demanded that sources of income should be declared?
Araali: It’s good Mzee blocked that law. Why does URA want to know where people get money? In this country anything is possible. I know of people who have prayed and fasted for one week—and the next thing—their suitcases were full of money. What will such a person tell URA?
Rusaniya: In fact, one day, a patron came to this bar and told us a strange story. He says he was walking near Bank of Uganda at about 3pm, and then suddenly that part of the town was engulfed in darkness. When the sun reappeared after 30 minutes of darkness, a big bag stood at his feet, filled with dollars.
(Bar erupts in prolonged laughter)
Masaba: Don’t kill us Rusaniya. Divine dollars?
Rusaniya: Yes. He even bought us a round of drinks—but strangely paid in local currency. How would such a person declare his money to URA? Mzee was indeed right. Such people only God will judge whether that was honest wealth.
Alfredo: I am sure some of you heard that the Italian and Greek Prime Ministers resigned due to problems in their countries’ economies.
Araali: Bambi, if you are expecting a resignation here, forget it. Those are crazy Bazungu. How do you leave a job because some chaps can’t afford meals? Let them go hunt squirrels or eat mango leaves...
(Conversation comes to abrupt end as power goes off in bar)
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